Nicole Is So Sexy

yea

Tue, 17 Feb 2004 17:10:47 PST

Mood: Bored
Listening To: Nada

Um yea im so bored right now, no ones online and shaina fell asleep on the phone cuz shes gayyyyy. but whatever. i did some thinknig, and from now on im just gunna tell people straight up how i feel about them. im not gunna hide it and keep it to myself in fear that i might hurt the person, cuz ya know what, lately no one cares about me, so why should i care about them? honestly now? if im mad at you or pissed or you did something to annoy me ill let you know about it, straight up front. if i love you, or you did something that made me smile, im gunna tell you. i figure ill just be open with my emotions and if you dont like it, well then dont talk to me. im not here to make anyone happy, but myself. cuz trying to make everyone else happy isnt working anymore. i know who i care about in this world, whether they care about me back or not, doesnt matter. i mean my life fucking sucks right now more then it ever has, and so many people are nicely contributing to that while theres like 1 person whos trying to make it better, which ironically is the person who started the downfall of events. life is strange like that, let me tell you. well im done. goodnight.

<33 nicole

heartbreaker im addicted to you

Tue, 17 Feb 2004 12:47:07 PST

I heard you're doing okay
But I want you to know
I'm a dick, I'm addicted to you
I can't pretend I don't care
When you don't think about me
Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy but you left anyway

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again
Heartbreaker

Since the day I met you
And after all we've been through
I'm still a dick, I'm addicted to you
I think you know that it's true
I'd run a thousand miles to get you
Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy
I did all that I could
Just to keep you
But you left anyway

How long will I be waiting? Until the end of time
I don't know why I'm still waiting, I can't make you mine

[ H e a r t b r e a k e r ]
I'm addicted to you

i wanna hate you so bad

Mon, 16 Feb 2004 11:36:18 PST

Mood: Eh..
Listening To: "Baby Blue" - The Early November

Today sucked.. someone who supposedly should be there for me for fucking everything, turns out talks a nice amount of shit about me behind my back. yea cuz thats what familys for. jesus christ, grow the fuck up already, and if you see this, yea i know everything youve said. it really means a lot..

I dont have much else to say. I realized that all my "friends" arent so much my friends anymore. so much stuff has happened this past month that im not so sure of anything or anyone anymore. i dont know who i can trust and who i cant.. and people say they care, but actions speak louder then words, and yea no one cares. i just give up with my life, i hate everything about it, i hate how i dont have anyone to go and cry to, and theyll just hold me. it just sucks. so ill leave you with a nice song, thats depressing and it pretty much sums up how i feel.

<3 nicole

It's a faster growing green
That flows through these leaves
I have, I try
I guess we'll be alright

Way to try
I got a line for you from me, better nice
A beautiful baby blue sky that's looking up at you
Now watch it fade away

But it's okay to come around
With nights like this are never ending
I tried so hard to make this perfect
You and I somehow
We can't see eye to eye together
We always knew that you worked better

I know you want it all and you got me
Sorry I never was everything you ever dreamed
But kept at bay for just in case that day

But it's okay to come around
With nights like this are never ending
I tried so hard to make this perfect
You and I somehow
We can't see eye to eye together
We always knew that you worked better

I _don'twant you to love me anymore

With my bags packed and ready to go
*Nothing's ever hurt so much* for me than to let you go

i miss you.. miss you

Sun, 15 Feb 2004 11:44:07 PST

Mood: Bored
Listening To: "Last Train Home" - Lost Prophets

Hmm.. Yesterday was Valentines Day, quite possibly the only holiday or whatever it is, that i really hate. I love how almost everyone was all happy and shit and all "happy valentines day <333" ya know what i say to that, fuck off mother fucker. yea you can do die, with your happy loving relationship with your stupid bf/gf, i hate you. seriously go die now.

Anyway, I went to Megans for valentines day.. it was good stuff. we tried to do the worm, but we all looked retarded squiggling around on the grass and then starring into her bedroom window to try to get down the dance.. it was funny stuff. ha and then since were so white, we decided to try and be tan and put on her bronzer stuff all over our faces.. we looked like some dirty mexicans.. she has a picture of it to, sooo funny.. with jess and her one red eye and megan and her mole.. hahaha ohhh man.

grr im so bored right now.. you dont even know. im going to get going. later.

<33 nicoLe

And Id give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now



 And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
 
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you cant fight the tears that aint coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yea you bleed just to know youre alive

...

Fri, 13 Feb 2004 13:46:18 PST

kill me.. its that simple.

does it hurt when you think about me? and how broken my heart is.

Thu, 12 Feb 2004 14:53:32 PST

Mood: Sad
Listening To: "Empty Apartment" - Yellowcard

Um yea, school sucked. I did my schedule, next year i swear i have to do no real work. it cant get much better then that. yea go 12th grade.

After school me jess and megan walked around for a bit then came back to my house. they taught me their time warp dance and what not.. it was good stuff.. and at open mic night we were the first homosexul threesome and yea we dont mind. jess had us stalking the night school looking for brent, but no such luck. we couldnt find him anywhere.. and then i had to leave before bruce went on and i felt really bad cuz he was the only reason that i went.. and then i had to leave :( but he just called and apparently they didnt go on at all, so i dont feel so bad.. but that sucks..

gah. i just wanna die, im in such a horribly depressing mood. it sucks. i hate life.. and everythings horrible. i cant just fucking paint a smile and pretend that im ok anymore, because im not. im hurting so bad, and everythings so confusing. i dont know shit. i heart you.

<33 nicole

Another day passes by. Another attempt at love. Remains unrequited.
Why do I even bother? I should have learned from the past. I am but a statue.
Impervious to love. This punctured heart is mine. Becomes a handful of dust. Dust.
Hope has now wilted away. Wilted. Along with these dreams. That became emptiness.
A final exit becomes clear. I am self destructive. A product of this solitude.
I am riddled with shards. One simple wish now dies. Was my request so great?

love and love and happy afternoons

Wed, 11 Feb 2004 13:27:49 PST

Mood: Loved
Listening To: "I Miss You" - Blink182

Ah i feel so loved.. theres like 6 or 7 people talking to me right now, so weird. Hmm today was a good day i guess you could say, i dunno.. anywho yea i came home talked to bruce a bit, he can really love the adam-appeal that i have going on.. its hotass. then i went out with my aunt to run some errands and go out to eat and the insurance company.. we had some lovely a talks, shes almost like my best friend my aunt, cuz we can talk about anything, guys and just life and not have to worry.. where with my mom i cant talk to her about shit.. so it was nice. then bruce called, and i felt bad that i couldnt really talk and wasnt home for him to stop by, but it was ok cuz i called him back and in the end he stopped by for about an hour and we talked about a lot of stuff. he even bought me grease pins!! so exciting let me tell you, he knows my obession with thee john travolta <333 ahh hes the bestest :) and he gave me a really big hug and it was so nice i didnt wanna leave :( i dunno at least tonight i finally figured out a little bit how he feels, and its always nice to have an idea, i just miss him so much.. he makes me so happy and everything.. i almost feel like im missing my other half, but ya know i still have him as a best friend.. always and forever <3

So tomorrow after school im hanging out with Jess and Megan, i duno what were doing exactly but im sure it shall be a blastttt. and then were all going to open mic night, gunna be hotass.. yea im determined to get in as a couple and save my dollar, ill be jewish i dont mind.. haha woowee. well i must get going and get my stuff ready for tomorrow.. goodbye my love muffins.. i love you <3

<33 nicole

Tonight is a story of love
And two broken hearts set by one
And all [she] wants is a sign
Of how [hes] making her mind
All we ever wanted was

Love and love and happy afternoons
Watching TV from your room
While you're laying in my arms
And I know it's not fair to me
To see this love walk right by me
Say, will we ever meet the right way
Again, again

Tonight I will sit next to you
To see if you act like we're through
To make you laugh is all I want
I'll hold you while tears fill our eyes

kill me while i still believe you were meant for me

Tue, 10 Feb 2004 13:53:13 PST

Mood: Weird..
Listening To: "Ocean Avenue" - Yellowcard

Ha oh wow what a day today was.. school was the usual boringness but whatev it went quick so it was all good. Then after school Jess and Jen came over and Jess had us watching Jeepers Creepers 2, so weird let me tell you. Then she was talking to my brother about brent, and yea my brother called brent and left a message on his answering machine, in what he called a "girl voice" going "hi brent.. this is jessica kelly. i love you.. call me my numbers 422-6729.. i love you its jessica kelly" and somewhere along the line his voice went back to being a guys.. it was so funny and jessica wanted to kill him.. ha so yea then they left and she calls me after like 20 minutes to tell me brent actually called her and stuff and she was so happy and we spent like an hour and a half talking to brent online and hes really smart kid.. it was funny shit that conversation.. haha oh man "how come you dont go to school?" "..I do" hahaha who felt dumb then?? "is your name nicole? assuming you are nicole and your name on lipunx is this, why dotn you ask your brother about these bands.. and why he left me that message on my answering machine" hahaha oh man guess you had to be there.. ok enough.

Then Bruce asked me if i wanted to go grab a bite to eat with him, so of course i said yes and we went and got some food and yea it was nice.. it was nice to see him smile, and a real smile.. i dunno theres just something about his smile, i just love it so much, it makes me feel like everythings alright. i mean we werent together that long cuz i had to be home, but it was just so nice to see him and be with him again.. i missed him a lot.. i still do miss him but in different ways.. i dunno im gunna shut it now.

well im gunna get going.. im quite tired..

<33 nicole

There's a piece of you that's here with me
It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see
When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by
I can make believe that you're here tonight
That you're here tonight

If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away

I remember the look in your eyes
When I told you that this was goodbye
You were begging me not tonight
Not here, not now
We're looking up at the same night sky
And keep pretending the sun will not rise
Be together for one more night
Somewhere, somehow

yea its time for another depressing entry i dont mind

Mon, 09 Feb 2004 12:25:58 PST

Mood: Confused

Listening To: "I Miss You" Blink 182

It'd be nice if i could stop listening to this song over and over again.. its so addicting, but in a good way. its like this whole song, i can just relate to so well right now.. especially this part:

Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?
Stop this pain tonight
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head [miss you miss you]

Its just so perfect like thats how i feel.. like ill sit there with the phone and go "ok ill call him" "no no i wont" and its like i wanna hear his voice, but i almost feel scared, betrayed maybe.. but even still i just want him to make it better.. and its like he doesnt need to try and make me fall in love with him, cuz im already completley in love with him..and then ill sit here and be like stop complaining you asswipe and move on with your life, you are pathetic. and yes i do have a this conversation with myself so shut it.. its like i just wish i knew what was going on in his mind.. just the slightest clue.. so im not so completely lost.. but back to the analyzation of this song.. its just so amazing how a song can express how your feeling to an exact pin point.. weird stuff..

I still havent had to go for scheduling yet.. and everyones gone already.. not fair. but i think i know what im gunna take already: child development, business law, mysteries of science, and then i gotta take the new health thing, film studies, writers circle, gym, economics and american government.. and maybe a math class im not sure yet. yea next years gunna be a blast lemme tell you.

Ya know whats really nasty, the smell of the stupid 2gauge in my ear. so fucking nasty.. i cleaned it before and i wanted to throw up from the smell.. ewww.. hmm i think im gunna go clean some cuz tomorrow i think im hanging out with Jess and Jen and we might come here, i really dont know whats going on exactly.. but yea im gunna go.. so ill talk to you all later.

<33 nicole

There's a beautiful sky tonight and
if you were by my side then we could share it but you are gone.
So come at me with your moon and burn me in the stars
cause nothing matters anymore.
If I could only see you now for about an hour
maybe just a minute

saves the day*

I can�t breathe with these words in my mouth
But I�m not going to say them
Yeah, I've made that mistake before
On the stairs, [he] grabs my arm
Says whats up, where you been, is something wrong?
I try to just smile, and say everything�s fine

bright eyes*

    these are
               the songs that
make me smile
       and cry myself to sleep at night
                      when I�m lying
         [ without you ]

dont waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head

Sun, 08 Feb 2004 10:09:19 PST

Mood: Lonely..
Listening To: "I Miss You" - Blink 182

Ah today almost topped yesterday with the boredom, but the more i think that im bored, the more i realize im really not cuz most of the time im thinking about life or just stuff in general.. and i honestly havent just sat and thought about stuff in awhile, this week has been a first.. a nice time to reflect.

Im slowly becomming the nicole i used to be.. so fucking slowly actually.. but theres still that piece of me that hurts so bad that makes me want to cry sometimes.. so i paint a nice smile on my face so that no one will know that im still bruised and broken on the inside.. its like i dont really have anyone to talk to about this either, because theres nothing new to say, and i dont want to keep saying the same things over and over again..its like no one cares at all.. i know theres like 1 maybe 2 people who care, but 1 of those 2 i cant even bring myself to do it.. i dunno, its just like im keeping something inside of me, something that i dont even understand.. something that i need to say.. but i guess i havent found the right words yet.. its like theres some parts during the day where i think im getting closer to my happyness and others where i feel that im going backwards.. and then theres always the im going nowhere.. i really try to look for the positive sides of all of this, but in all seriousness is there any good in this? if there are ive yet to find any. and stupid valentines day is coming up, in less then a week.. that day is really going to suck, i was looking forward to it to i remember bruce talking to me about it and about how i was gunna get flowers in school like all the other girls and everything.. and i dunno i guess i was looking forward to it, its a day to celebrate the most amazing emotion in the world and now its like im gunna spend that day alone, sad.. probably upset.. but whatever. ive just given up with everything, because everything good that happens always goes away no matter how hard you try to keep it.. nothing good ever lasts.. i swear thats the truest thing ive ever heard. i just miss how my life used to be, and i dont think i can have that.. i just wish i didnt care anymore, but every day i seem to care more and more :/ i miss you.

Im gunna go finish my english homework how fucking joyous. i hate that stupid book.. oh well..

<33 nicoLe

So I said my secret...
Hear you crying
Sorry Jenny...
I wish I lying
There is nothing here for me to say...
To keep you from dying
You get these visions in your head
Of me and someone else, in my bed
But the truth of the matter is, I only see you

So keep your distance
I'll only tell you that I miss this
There is no one that can take your place
[boy] I really mean it
There is no one that can take your place

And as I lie here all alone
I want to be in your arms so badly
And yeah, you know I'm done
And forever in love with you

As I lie here all alone
I want to be in your arms so badly
And yeah, you know I'm done
And forever in love with you

I didn't want to pull the trigger
And as my secret left my finger
Cut loose and I really wish I had an excuse
Cuz you and I know it's all about time now
My eyes have never been dry
And this mistake I know is hard to take
But the truth is the only thing that I can save

And as I lie here all alone
I want to be in your arms so badly
And yeah, you know I'm done
And forever in love with you

As I lie here all alone
I want to be in your arms so badly
And yeah, you know I'm done
And forever in love with you

You said I hurt you...
May be true
But it's the last thing...
I wanted to do to you
Can't you see what it's doing to me
As I lie here all alone
I want to be in your arms so badly
Cuz I'm forever in love with you.

As I lie here all alone
I want to be in your arms so badly
And yeah, you know I'm done
And forever in love with you

As I lie here all alone
(I can't take, I can't take it with you)
I want to be in your arms so badly
(I can't take, I can't take it with you)
And yeah, you know I'm done
(I can't take, I can't take it with you)
And forever in love with you
I'm forever in love with you

i [miss] y o u